


if this is what i call home (why does it feel so alone?)

by chopinseimei



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: (kind of), Fluff, Kissing, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, shoma just. really wants to kiss his boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 17:25:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14085903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopinseimei/pseuds/chopinseimei
Summary: It’s silent for a bit, Yuzuru drinking his hot chocolate and scribbling down ideas and doodles that Shoma assumes are for future programs (he’s always doing that; there’s a whole pile of notebooks under his bed full of ideas.) He’s content with this; sometimes he likes to soak in the silence, give himself a chance to appreciate the peace that he hadn’t really expected from dating Yuzuru Hanyu. However, it’s also a reminder of the distance, that despite how kissable Yuzuru looks and how much he wants to touch him, he can’t, because Shoma is in Japan and Yuzuru is what seems like a world away in Canada.As if reading his mind, Yuzuru looks up from his notebook, places his now-empty mug on his bedside table, and mumbles, “I just.. really wish you were here with me.”That’s when Shoma starts planning.





	if this is what i call home (why does it feel so alone?)

“-and practice has been going well _ I guess, _ but I just- I tried a triple axel again and I fell! On an  _ axel!”  _

Shoma listens to Yuzuru ranting on the other side of the screen and resists the urge to smile. He knows he should treat his boyfriend’s problem seriously, but he’s been complaining about his triple axel for the past five minutes and his exaggerated expressions are admittedly hilarious (and extremely cute, but whatever.)

“Maybe you should take more breaks.” Shoma cuts in, watching Yuzuru’s slightly shaky hands curl around the mug of hot chocolate his mother had given him a few minutes prior. “I mean, don’t overdo it. I don’t want you to get injured again.” his boyfriend’s expression softens, and Shoma takes a moment to admire the way his eyes sparkle in the morning light. He doesn’t know how he got this lucky, really.

“I know I shouldn’t, but-” Yuzuru pauses to take a sip of the hot chocolate. Shoma feels kind of jealous; Yuzuru’s mother makes some of the best hot chocolate he’s ever tasted and he really, really wants some now. “I want to get back in top shape as soon as possible, you know?” and Shoma does; seeing Yuzuru moping around, unable to get back on the ice for almost four months when he’d still been ecstatic from his Olympic gold, had been heartbreaking. He wonders if seeing his frustration is worse, though.

“You still have a while until you compete again; you don’t need to be good at everything right away,” Shoma pauses, looking away. He feels his face heat up a little as he continues, “Either way, whatever you do is going to be perfect.”

Yuzuru smiles at the compliment, but still fires back with a, “Well, it needs to be _ better _ than perfect. _ ”  _ Shoma shakes his head, letting out an exasperated sort of laugh. He loves his boyfriend, he really does, but sometimes he can be stupidly stubborn- even if Shoma does find it endearing, sometimes he wonders if Yuzuru is actually aware that not everything he does has to be so..  _ extra, _ for lack of a better word.

It’s silent for a bit, Yuzuru drinking his hot chocolate and scribbling down ideas and doodles that Shoma assumes are for future programs (he’s always doing that; there’s a whole pile of notebooks under his bed full of ideas.) He’s content with this; sometimes he likes to soak in the silence, give himself a chance to appreciate the peace that he hadn’t really expected from dating Yuzuru Hanyu. However, it’s also a reminder of the distance, that despite how kissable Yuzuru looks and how much he wants to touch him, he can’t, because Shoma is in Japan and Yuzuru is what seems like a world away in Canada.

As if reading his mind, Yuzuru looks up from his notebook, places his now-empty mug on his bedside table, and mumbles, “I just.. really wish you were here with me.”

That’s when Shoma starts planning.

* * *

 

It’s amazing even to himself; what Shoma can do if he actually puts his mind to it. Well, if we’re being honest, it’s what he can do if it means getting to kiss his boyfriend again.

He’d prepared his plan in just under a week, having spoken to Yuzuru on the call for another few minutes before hanging up and immediately getting out an unused notebook to scribble down his idea. It’d been adjusted since (the idea of surprising Yuzuru at practice had melted his heart, but he’s pretty sure that wouldn’t help him focus; like, what if Yuzuru’s in the middle of a jump when he just runs in? He’d rather not be responsible for his boyfriend’s death) but the basic premise is the same: fly out to Canada for about a week, finally get to spend some time with Yuzuru and fly back to Japan with both of them in hopefully high spirits.

He’d worked up the courage to ask Mihoko on day two of planning, and she’d been pretty ecstatic about it. Something about it being an opportunity to work with other coaches and see if anything they did with their students helped Shoma in any way. She had, also, winked at him and hadn’t questioned where he was going to stay, just said that she’d talk to Brian about it and get back to him when she had a response.

Then, two days later, after getting confirmation and training schedules from Brian, he’d booked a flight before talking to Yuzuru’s mom. His English- even if it has improved just a little over the past few months- is still awful, and he knows he won’t be able to navigate the city without someone leading him around. She quickly agrees to the plan, saying that for the past month Yuzuru had been acting like a (in her own words) ‘lovesick idiot.’

And so, that’s it. Shoma gets a few more minor things done (packs, puts aside a good amount of money to convert when he lands, talks to Mihoko about anything he should work on, and so on,) but other than that he’s got a flight to Canada in two days and a boyfriend to kiss and cuddle (among other things) with when he gets there.

The day before he leaves, he calls Yuzuru. The other looks tired, and it hurts a little to see him so exhausted when he’d been expressing his excitement at being able to get back onto the ice only a few weeks ago.

“I just-” Yuzuru had cut himself off, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. I should be happy and all but I’m so stressed out about everything and I can’t focus and I don’t know  _ why.”  _ it’s so hard, not to tell him  _ I’ll be here soon, don’t worry, everything’ll be fine,  _ but Shoma wants to keep it a surprise for.. well, some reason.

“Hey,” he begins, not quite knowing what to say. “I love you. And whatever happens, we both know you’ll come back from this. You did it for the Olympics and you _ know _ you can do it now.” it feels unfinished, like he should be saying so much more, but before Shoma can find it in himself to piece together a sentence, Yuzuru’s talking again.

“I know, I know.” he sighs, and it sounds so sad and Shoma would do anything to be able to get to Canada sooner. “I love you too. I just think I need to.. regather my thoughts, somehow.” Shoma smiles; even if he knows Yuzuru is only slightly comforted by his words, it’s progress. And either way, if all goes as planned it’ll be a matter of days before he’s smiling again.

Later, they exchange their goodbyes, repeat their I love yous, and Shoma goes to bed that night feeling restless and anticipating the moment he’ll find himself in Yuzuru’s arms again.

* * *

 

Yuzuru is having an awful day, he decides, halfway through a practice where he falls on every single one of his jumps.

His mother had ushered him out of the house quickly this morning, then reminded him that she’d be going out that evening and to stay safe. He’d been in an average mood then, but then he just had to go and fall over as soon as he stepped onto the ice that day. And sure, he’d laughed it off (noone laughed with him; the rink had gotten lonely since Javier left for Spain) but maybe that had kicked off his bad mood. The shaky-at-best jumps had only worsened it, and now he kind of just wants to scream every time he falls.

Also, Brian’s been acting weird. Really, it’s as if he  _ wants  _ him to leave, because all day he’s been saying how Yuzuru should go home early, how  _ oh, you should rest, you’re getting too worked up, you’re going to injure yourself again.  _ It’s not really helping, but he’s wondering if leaving is his best action right now. However, he still tries for an hour more, because Yuzuru Hanyu does not go down without a fight.

He also doesn’t keep practicing when he knows it won’t work- and maybe Brian was right, because if he’s too irritated to focus he could injure himself. So he decides not to risk it and calls it a day just as 5PM rolls around, getting on the bus agitated and close to tears. But he keeps himself in check; there’ll be time to cry when he’s finally alone.

To distract himself, he checks his phone; the group chat is active as usual, there’s a text from his mom from about ten minutes ago saying she’d left, and then a text from Shoma. Yuzuru feels himself smile a bit, because even if the message is just a ‘good morning <3’ that he’d missed earlier, Shoma has some sort of calming effect on him. At that thought, his heart aches a little. He misses him. Apparently, Yuzuru had spent almost ten minutes thinking about Shoma and seeing him again, because he almost misses his stop and has to press the ‘stop’ button frantically before leaping out of his seat and off of the bus. Today really, really isn’t his day.

He doesn’t know why he expects himself to be in top shape this quickly, really. Even before the Olympics, where he should have felt worse with so little time to practice and an injury that hadn’t even healed, it hadn’t been this bad. So why now, with an injury that’s finally healed and a good amount of time until he actually competes, is he cracking under pressure that was never really there in the first place?

Maybe it’s because the field is slowly catching up to him. Yuzuru knows he’s not untouchable and he never will be, but the injury on the quad lutz- which had been his answer to the growing competition, a sign that he wasn’t done yet- had set him back too much and now he’s left picking up far too many pieces. Regaining his axel with the promise of a quad on his shoulders, still hesitant with his lutz, still trying to get a feel of his new music. Still falling behind, struggling to catch up with a world that’s ready to leave him behind if he slips up again.

Yuzuru shakes his head, realising that he’s been standing at his door for a good few minutes. His eyes sting and he wipes at them with his sleeve despite the fact that he hasn’t actually started crying yet, and he opens the door and oh.

Oh.

He recognises the messy hair before he fully registers what he’s seeing, knows the way those eyes sparkle before he loses himself in them, knows that this is Shoma because who else would be in his kitchen at 5:20PM eating from _ his _ secret stash of chocolate.

“Shoma,” he says, as if it’s been an eternity since he’d last seen him. It hasn’t, but it feels like even longer since he’s been in Shoma’s arms, and that’s the only thing he can think about as he drops his bag to the floor and walks toward his boyfriend. “I..” suddenly, he can’t hold the tears back anymore, and he buries his head in Shoma’s shoulder to hide it. But he can’t stop himself choking out a sob, and he can’t stop Shoma from hearing it.

“I missed you so much.” Shoma murmurs, voice so, so soft, and turns his head just so to press a kiss to Yuzuru’s cheek. It’s warm and even that slightest brush of lips has him feeling dizzy despite the tears still falling. Another kiss and Shoma’s talking, but Yuzuru can barely make out ‘I love you’s and ‘I missed you’s through the emotions crashing upon him, can only feel Shoma’s lips when they kiss him again and again and again until he finally calms down.

By the time he does, by the time the tears stop falling and his embrace loosens, Shoma is smiling, lips curled up slightly and eyes twinkling in that way that makes Yuzuru feel all soft. He has so many questions he wants to ask right now, but he’s still so overwhelmed and just… so happy. Apparently, he’d been thinking aloud, because Shoma lets out a little laugh and finally pulls away a little.

“You okay now?” he asks, voice sweet but still slightly concerned.

“Yeah,” Yuzuru answers, suddenly feeling at a loss for words. “Yeah. But why…” Shoma laughs again and it’s music to his ears.

“Truthfully? I just really wanted to kiss you.” Yuzuru feels himself genuinely smile for what feels like the first time in ages, and a quiet laugh makes it’s way from his lips. In the golden light seeping in through the curtains, Shoma looks like he’s glowing, eyes fluttering shut under the light and Yuzuru’s hand caressing his cheek.

“Me too.” he murmurs, closes the gaps between them and finally, finally feels those lips on his again. Of course the kiss is brief, a slight moment of peace amongst unsaid words and wishes of touch that long to be fulfilled, but right now Yuzuru feels completely calm and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He doesn’t even realise he’s still standing up until now, when his legs shake a little under the weight of all..  _ this. _ So he pulls away for just a few seconds, and as soon as he and Shoma are curled up comfortably on the sofa they both lose themselves in eachother’s lips.

But of course, they have to pull away eventually. And when they do, Shoma is still smiling, eyes still twinkling, face flushed a lovely shade of red, one hand on Yuzuru’s waist and the other loosely gripping his arm.

“I missed that.” Shoma says, laughing a little breathlessly. “And just- this. I missed all this.” and Yuzuru laughs with him, feeling warm and happy and so, so in love.

“Me too, me too.” Yuzuru mumbles, and brushes a loose strand of hair away from Shoma’s eyes. “How long are you staying?”

“A week. I already got training sorted out..” Shoma trails off, digging around in his jacket pocket until he fishes out a carefully folded piece of paper and hands it to Yuzuru. It’s not written very neatly, but Yuzuru has learned how to read Shoma’s handwriting and it only takes him a few seconds to realise what’s going on.

“You have the exact same practice hours as I do.” he states, and immediately realises that’d been pretty obvious anyway. Shoma’s English is.. decent now, but Yuzuru doubts he’d be able to make it through the whole day speaking English with no translator other than Google. Though Yuzuru isn’t really the best at that, either. Whatever; if it means he gets to spend time with Shoma he’s fine with it.

From then, the conversation moves on into catching up accompanied with small kisses and Shoma running his hands through Yuzuru’s hair (it’s surprising; despite how untameable Shoma’s own hair is he’s actually good at styling other people’s) while they cuddle and laugh. It’s perfect, and Yuzuru almost doesn’t want to get up to eat dinner. It’s worth it, though, because Shoma practically beams as he devours the reheated leftovers from yesterday.

“So, your mom left us alone for the night.” Shoma starts, before almost spitting out the chocolate he’d been eating. “Wait no- not like that-!” it’s too late, though, and Yuzuru is already losing it, practically cackling and struggling to get out a sentence in response. Shoma’s (extremely red) face hits the table with a thud, but he’s laughing too so Yuzuru doesn’t need to be concerned. Well, even if he was, he’d be too busy laughing his ass off to actually do anything.

However, when the laughter finally dies down, Yuzuru realises, with a vague sense of horror; “oh god, that’s probably what she thought isn’t it.”

“Nooooooooooo.” Shoma cries, muffled by the table. “I should’ve known. She  _ winked  _ at me when she left me alone here. She probably thinks we’re making out right now or something-!”

Silence, and then Yuzuru says, “Well, if you  _ really  _ want to-”

Shoma shuts him up with a kiss, and he really isn’t complaining.

* * *

 

The next day, Yuzuru wakes up with Shoma sleeping soundly in his arms and really, really doesn’t want to get up for practice. But he reminds himself that this time things won’t be as lonely, that he’ll have Shoma with him, and suddenly feels a lot happier about it.

After getting Shoma out of bed (which involves a lot of kissing and promises that they can sleep in tomorrow) getting ready, and convincing his mom that no, they did not make out or do anything past that last night, that would be extremely irresponsible because they have practice to get to. She’s not convinced, though, so halfway through breakfast he just kind of gives up and lets Shoma laugh at him.

On the bus, Shoma almost falls asleep again, and Yuzuru shakes him awake with a laugh that draws the attention of more than a few people. Neither of them care, though, and the journey is filled with laughter and excited chatter. When they enter the building, they’re still talking and both Shoma and Yuzuru are giggling and grinning stupidly, only stopping when they have to get changed. It continues when they’re done, though, and Brian notices them as soon as they walk in because of it. He waves and jogs over, then shakes Shoma’s hand with a wide grin and jovial greeting.

“U-um,” Shoma says, lowering his hand slowly. Yuzuru meets his gaze and hopes it’s some sort of comfort; Shoma’s never been good at introducing himself to other people, especially if it’s in English, but last night they’d spent a solid hour getting the exact pronunciation for this phrase down. “H-hi, nice to… meet you?” Yuzuru mentally cheers, watching as Shoma smiles a little at his small victory.

The rest of the conversation is short; Brian goes through a few things, mostly where certain things in the buildings are and when to find him if anything happens. Yuzuru has to translate for him a few times, but before they know it it’s time to head out onto the ice and warm up.

There aren’t many people on the ice yet, and Yuzuru is glad; Shoma probably isn’t used to being around so many people, so it’s better to ease him into it. He can’t help but look over his shoulder a couple times, just to make sure Shoma hasn’t gone too far- it’s a bit weird, but Yuzuru can’t help but feel a little protective over his boyfriend in an unfamiliar environment. However, Shoma is calm, skating slow laps around the rink and doing a few single jumps with a small, content smile on his face.

“Hey, Yuzu!” Shoma calls out, and as soon as he glances over slides into a cantilever like it’s nothing. “I dare you to try that.” his smile is mischevious, and they both know Shoma knows exactly what he’s doing; messing with Yuzuru’s competitive side. And Yuzuru’s ‘soft for Shoma’s smiles’ side.

So he tries it, after clearing a good amount of space for himself, and falls after getting about halfway to the ground, sprawling across the ice with a laugh that leaves his cheeks aching a little. Shoma does skate over, eventually, holding out the hand that isn’t covering his mouth to keep him from laughing any harder.

“You just-” Shoma starts, then giggles again. He helps Yuzuru up before continuing, “You just kind of plopped to the ground. I wish I’d recorded that.”

“Traitor!” Yuzuru laugh-gasps, ruffling Shoma’s hair and ducking down to press a kiss to his cheek. He realises what he’s done a few moments later and blushes, quickly looking around at the few others in the rink, but they all seem to be in their own world. Shoma isn’t too fussed about it either (he probably just doesn’t remember where he is,) simply batting Yuzuru’s hand away with a grin.

The rest of practice goes well; Yuzuru lets himself breathe a little, lets himself do something other than attempt jumps that he knows he shouldn’t be doing just yet, lets himself smile at the sight of his boyfriend attempting a triple axel and falling with a loud laugh. It’s over too soon, but for the first time in what seems like months he finds himself looking forward to practice tomorrow.

Just before he and Shoma are about to leave, Yuzuru’s being called over by Brian. He motions for Shoma to wait for him before walking into his coach’s office, a little confused. Nothing bad had happened today, and no terribly important developments had been made either- was he mad at Yuzuru for goofing around in practice or something? He dismisses that thought immediately; Brian encourages his skaters to be friendy with eachother during practice, and really doesn’t mind them goofing around unless it’s actually getting in the way of their progress, which it most certainly isn’t in this case. If anything, it’s been helping.

Yuzuru takes a seat, messing with his hands a little nervously. Brian’s sitting at his desk, typing something on his laptop before looking back up and smiling.

“Yuzu!” he begins, clapping his hands together. “You got your loop back!” Oh, had he? He seems to voice that thought aloud, because Brian stares at him, a little bemused. “You.. didn’t notice?”

“Um,” he had landed more jumps than usual today, but then again he’d just been letting his body do it’s thing, making up random bits of choreography and skating to music that only existed in his head. “Not.. really?” Brian’s smiling again though, letting out a small laugh.

“Were you really that distracted?” upon seeing Yuzuru’s slight blush, he continues, “You were making goo-goo eyes at Shoma half the time.” Yuzuru feels his face heat up even more and he nervously glances to the side; had he been that obvious..?

“Well, um, you see,” he tries, fails, then tries again. “It was just, um..”

“Ah, save it. Whatever affect that boy’s having on you, it’s good; you were a lot happier out there today.” Brian says, and all Yuzuru can really do is nod in response.

“Yeah, he..” he can’t really find the right words to say it, but he tries anyway. “Makes me.. really happy.” and it’s true; since Shoma’s arrival yesterday, he’s been feeling more relaxed and a lot happier than he had been for the past couple weeks.

Brian smiles fondly, before patting Yuzuru on the arm. “Alright, I just wanted to see how you were doing. Keep it up for the rest of the week, okay?” he pauses, a little hesitant, and adds, “And remember; don’t push yourself too hard.”

Yuzuru nods, and leans over the desk to hug Brian before he really knows why he’s doing it. Truthfully, he doesn’t know why even looking back on it, but he feels a little bit like crying and a little bit like giggling from pure happiness, so something’s happening in the emotional department.

“Thank you.” he mumbles, hearing Brian chuckle and feeling him pat his back.

“You’re welcome. Now go have fun with your boyfriend.” Yuzuru is about to stutter out a reply, but as soon as he opens his mouth Brian is pushing him out of the door and practically cackling.

Shoma is standing at the door, looking extremely confused at what’s happening, and Yuzuru’s pretty sure he looks like a blushing mess, but this is a weird kind of perfect and he really wouldn’t have it any other way.

* * *

 

That evening, Yuzuru and Shoma have already eaten dinner and have taken up a corner of the sofa in the living room. Shoma’s on his phone, tapping away at a game that Yuzuru honestly has no understanding of at all, but is perfectly content to watch him play while running his hands through his boyfriend’s hair. Every once in a while, Shoma will tilt his head to the side just slightly, enough for his lips to brush against Yuzuru’s, and it makes his heart melt all over again each time.

“You know,” Shoma murmurs, lips barely brushing against Yuzuru’s. “I’m really happy I came here. I missed you.”

“Me too.” Yuzuru closes the gap between them, and after pulling away Shoma giggles a little shyly. “I guess I didn’t realise I was so..” he makes a vague gesture with his hands. “Lonely.”

“Well, you’ve got me.” Shoma mumbles, slightly sleepy, and holds Yuzuru’s hand loosely in his own. “And when I go back to Japan you’ve still got your mom and Brian, and we can still call all the time.” he yawns. “But for now I get to kiss you _ as much as I want.”  _ Yuzuru laughs at that, pressing a kiss to Shoma’s cheek and shifting his position so his boyfriend can fall asleep more comfortably.

_ “For now _ you need to sleep.” Shoma doesn’t reply, instead lets out a sort of grumble-giggle and wraps his arms around Yuzuru’s waist. God, Shoma’s just… so perfect.

“Love you.” Shoma mumbles, eyes sliding shut and grasp loosening just a bit.

“Love you too.” Yuzuru replies, and thinks that it really can’t get any better than this.

**Author's Note:**

> hooowdy kids!!
> 
> i am so so SO sorry this took so long omg 10 days without posting IM SO SORRY
> 
> i've been working on multiple fics lately and That Was A Mistake but!! i've got a multichapter in the works rn involving dating apps and the olympics and many crisises 
> 
> anyways!! it's almost 4am rn and i have to Sleep. my tumblr is chopinseimei if u wanna talk!!!


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